Every step I take

Thanksgiving 2011 (10 weeks of healthier eating and 28 pounds down)

I woke up Sept 19 2011 and began my food journal. I decided to try to stay between 1200-1500 calories a day and do this 45 minute workout. The first week I contemplated suicide because surely it had to be better than a growling stomach, burning thighs, and knees that felt like they were giving out. But I pushed through.

At the end of the six weeks I had lost 18 pounds and multiple inches. Those MEK jeans I ripped? I needed a belt to hold them up. I dug out all of my old jeans discovered I only had one pair in a size 12 that fit. (I kept all my jeans then regardless of them fitting or not)

(Sidenote: I was laid off from a job I truly loved at the end of those six weeks. I began to take my anger out on the treadmill and exercising and kicked it into high gear. I honestly now can thank God for losing that job because it gave me lots of free time to focus on me and my health. I would never say I wanted to lose a job, but if there was a silver-lining, it was that I could fully dedicate my time to this weight-loss journey)

My parents saw how committed I was to calorie counting and exercising. They bought me a treadmill. I began a fast walk on the treadmill 7 days a week, 45 minutes a day. I began also to see that I could enjoy foods I liked, just in moderation. I would allow myself 200 calories a day to “splurge” on something decadent I knew I would truly savor.  The best part was, I could see physical changes almost weekly. I would model all of my now ‘fat’ jeans and try to fit in my old ‘new’ ones again. I decided I wanted to weigh 150 by my birthday at the end of November. I also had a pair of size 10 Gap jeans I wanted to wear on my birthday. I was 155 the week before my birthday. I have never lost more than 3.9 pounds on any given week. My sister thought I was crazy for trying to lose five in a week, especially because I wasn’t at the very beginning of a weight-loss regimen when weight comes off easier. I was determined though and buckled down.

I ate very healthy that week and even replaced my 200 calorie splurge with an apple or a fat free hot chocolate. My birthday rolled around and I got on the scale…149.8. I ate two slices of pizza and my birthday cake too. I really could have it all.

Someone I used to know...

June 2010

I have always loved food. I think it’s fun, comforting, and enjoyable. I grew up in a family where you didn’t leave scraps on your plate and you had to at least try whatever my mom made for dinner. I never learned how to cook and when Ryan and I were first married, he was coaching football after work. So I made a lot of easy freezer meals. Pierogies, pasta, pizza…these things were simple and I wasn’t afraid I’d mess them up! Plus they all reheated well for when Ryan would come home.

I tried to lose weight multiple times. My younger sister was married in 2010 and I was mortified by the pictures I saw of myself. But after a few days of counting carbs and working out like a mad woman I would go back to my old ways and just consume whatever I was craving. Then we went to the beach the next month with my in-laws. I really didn’t like hated the way I looked in those pictures. When we got back from the beach I started dieting and lost 12 pounds! One evening of eating out though led to an ice cream here and sliding a little there and next thing I knew I had gained it all back.

I let myself eat all I wanted all through summer 2011. Ice cream, hot dogs, beer, eating out…I didn’t care. I really didn’t like the way I looked but food was comforting me at the same time. I didn’t see then that I shouldn’t have depended so heavily on something that was the cause of my unhappiness.

Ryan’s birthday is September 14. We were going out with 5 or 6 friends to celebrate on that Saturday night. It was going to be cooler so I decided to wear jeans instead of the capris I had worn all summer. Well I couldn’t get my jeans fastened. My favorite MEK jeans. My FAVORITE jeans. There was a good inch and a half where they just wouldn’t come together. I figured I probably just shrunk them since I had last worn them prior to summer. I tried everything trying to stretch them out (you know, hands in the pockets squatting down, laying on the floor when my butt in the air trying to suck it in). Nada. Nothing. Zilch.

Oh, I finally got them fastened. I heaved in a giant breath and pulled the two sides together as tight as I could and completely split the one side by the zipper. So now my favorite jeans are ripped. Damnit. I was more angry that I ripped them though than the fact it was my ass that did it. Yep, I didn't even really believe I was too big for my jeans, I was just annoyed they were ripped. I ended up wearing my capris. Sigh.

I was relating this story to a friend the following Monday (this story is hilarious to me now. I was so mad that day! Now I laugh when I think of how I was sweating and straining trying to force myself into jeans too small) when she mentioned trying something called “Slim in Six”. It was a six week exercising program. You do it 6 times a week and the video is about 45 minutes long. I had nothing to lose so I decided to fully commit. I gave myself that week to prepare. I was like a squirrel hoarding away nuts for the winter. I scarfed down everything because I prepared to fully give up anything I liked in order to do this program. It was that Sunday, September 18, 2011 when we went to the football game and I saw the picture of myself. I couldn’t wait to begin the next day.